The Voice Of Heart

Always envy for others where they may have wisdom, beauty, talent, cheerful spirit, optimistic……all in one with them.

I can’t feel all this in me. I feel i’m trashy. I had wonder whether i should blogging this time as i always left words which sound pessimist. Bet u had been bored with all those words i serve on you.

My life was seems to be occupied yet empty in the inner part. None will able understand. I buried myself and attached myself and wholly owned by study. Surfing net and watching TV are those thing being classified as entertainment. Sound better than nothing? Those activities only can be carried for a countable hours in a week. Was that still consider good?

How boring and hectic life i’m living. Study this much also didn’t make me to become a more clever girl. Always pay a blank stare with an empty mind at the questions. No ideal how to survive. This is not a game, but a battle. You can relax a bit in a game but not to fight against in a battle. If you behave that way, you will either die before fire or end as ash with no mercy.

Sympathetic does not help you to become stronger. You need to armed with intelligent, perseverance, confident, wisdom so much more. With this is not enough, you still have to depends on something called LUCK.

What i’ve? I don’t know. Confident that i built before had all collapsed after failure. I tried to work it out, but still under lecturer expectation, under the level that i suppose to maintain. I’m playing with the timing. Not much time to rectify all this. I feel pressure instead of treasure.

No one actually giving me pressure. But the circumstance did. May God show direct me at this shortfall of time and bestow me with a ‘bigger’ storage of brain so that i able to walk on the right path and insert in then loaded with all ultimate, helpful and useful knowledge? I doubt. This is just something ‘heavy’ for Him, i suppose.

My road blocked by a big and heavy stone. I need to put in equivalent force. I need blessing.

Double SIM card-memory card-touch screen-8 GB

When my bros were using those phone, im like “wah, when is my turn?” A greedy me. Who knows, after some time i got it! and for free! I’m over joy at that time because don’t need to dream for it anymore. I think this is the very first time i need not stay ‘out dated’.

How happy i’m. But it doesn’t last long. sob sob… Yesterday without doing anything to the phone, it dead in sudden. Bang my head on wall. I put my phone at a corner without touching it neither other family members of mine. After some time, i tried to use it. When i picked up the phone and try to place some movement on the screen, i saw some dead sign from the phone as if asking for rescue.

I sense something bad. Quickly, i tried my best to do something which i intended to rescue before it totally worn out. But the worst it become. And at last, it just dead and  left a blank screen. oh no…..

Goodbye phone……

Then next?

If going to buy a new one, sure daddy will sought a cheap cheap stock for me. Just can’t imagine how to adopt with the drastic changes. From touch sreen without it, from using memory card turn into just purely using SIM card……. oh no…..

Before purchased a new one, i told daddy i wanna a phone equip with dict. How cheap the phone is, i also had to accept. After putting some effort to look for a new phone, he eventually gave his consent to buy a NOKIA phone which fulfilled my requirement.

Then i realized, NOKIA is a company well developed in term of products. The company had came out with a wide range of products in order to compete and survive in current market. How good the phone is, i wouldn’t comment since im not an expert. Just the products itself impress me.

My phone operated without using memory card, but it does have bluetooth so that i still able to transfer some songs into it ; radio ; camera……..

Even bro was a little shock wih the phone together with the price. For me….. i should be contented.

Today after finished the first slot, whole brain got jam because gotto remember something new again. I packed my thing and left the classroom then headed to another classroom for second slot.

After finished second slot, i packed my thing and get ready to go home. As usual, i looked into my bag for car keys. But this time i searched all over my bag, even pour out everything inside my bag, still couldn’t get it. My friend who passed by also can’t get it either. Oh gosh! Something wrong. I knew i lost the key. How? How to go home then? Where should i find it back?

Without further delay, i went back to the classroom that i used for second slot. next class students already inside there. Luckily their lecturer is also my lecturer. I even seek help from Ms Joyce. She asked the whole class to look underneath their seats, see whether the key is there. So some of the students tried to tease me by saying :”r u driving Volvo or……”. Being fooled, and the answer is, they didn’t see any key! So Joyce gave me some instruction for what should i do next.

I went to the classroom that i used for first slot. Again, there are class conducted inside. Want or not, i have to knock in. This time is the lecturer for that class who fooled me. AND it’s in front of soooooo  many people!!!!!! How embarrassed i’m. He said i have to answer his question if i wanna get back my key. Know what he ask?

” Do u know what is CLK?”

“err….is Mercedes…” i answered.

” No! wrong!……. CLK is  cute like Kembara/Kancil….”

But he said it wrong also. I’m not driving those car. hahahaha….

Then he asked:” How many keys there?”

oh gosh. I can’t remember la……

He asked and said many things. I’m the clown inside the class for no reason, just to get back my car keys! Throughout the session, the whole bunch of students in the class are focusing on me. They keep on laughing and laughing. The lecturer even ask for my name before i can escaped from the situation.

Kai Jie who waiting outside for me also curious for why the students keep laughing and clapping their hands inside the class.

I’m not malay nor muslim. So it’s fair that hari raya doesn’t meant for me. Thankful for not celebrating hari raya. Not to be racies here. Pathetic to those wh celebrate hari raya. People busy celebrate for their celebration, my lecturer is also busy in arranging schedule for us. Just like giving no chance for me to breathing.

I promise myself not to touch on study issue in ”public” but i just can’t hold myself from that. I don’t wanna discuss about study affair here because i don’t want those who can’t really understand or see the whole picture misunderstand.

Somehow, i need to throw something out. The workloads are overwhelming. It’s so huge and i’m so small. So many thing i need to insert in from time to time, without letting it out at all. Every lecturer seems to expect us to do our ”repair” job in this period. So, if i’m celebrating hari raya, how will my raya be?

Massive coverage with a tiny brain. I doubt for my ability. This year raya, i really can’t feel it. Is my malay or muslim friends are celebrating for hari raya? I asked. Where is raya’s atmosphere? I don’t know where it gone. Maybe it gone when i buried myself in the piles of books and notes.

Few minutes ago, went and read on friends’ blog. I become little jealous. They still able to keep a part for their life out of busy mode.

Luckily that day, parents pull me out and bring me to visit cousin’s new house. At least got the chance for fresh air. I love the houses there.

That’s what i able to do within this few days of raya holidays. Tomorrow is the last day of my holiday. Dead. Still have a lot more to go through.

Slmt Hari Raya, friends. Enjoy urself.

Buntu. A malay word. Mention as such in case u r looking into English dictionary for the meaning.

I had recently implement self abuse system on myself. No choice other than this, that i strongly believe it will works perfectly on me. The outcome is….. more or less, disappointed. I’m doing something so wrong. Really no eyes see.

Why i act as if i’m smart? If i act a little stupid or slightly blind fold my eyes, maybe i wouldn’t go so far beyond what the Q want. I’m a kind-hearted donor in term of points or marks. Days and nights work doesn’t pay off just like this.

People may blame for don’t know how to answer. I blame extra for one thing—careless. Which one is sadden? If you don’t know how to score and lost the points, i think it will better than u briefly got the sketch and idea, but your careless drive away the points that initially might belongs to you.

Time is rather short for everything. When i realized, it’s too late. After F5 PT, enter JL class. She told me i look so serious during the lesson. She thought is due to F5’s Q. But i have a clear mind for her doubt. Sincerely not because i had done badly, but i lost my way.

If self abuse system still can’t really works for me, than i’m dead in coming out with different approach. Hence, buntu.

Tonight must probably will be the night for celebration. Those who is patriotic or any one who is just looking for excuse to hang out with friends will wait for 0000hr. Tomorrow is National Day, Independant day. A day for freedom.

I am eager to yell ‘Merdeka’ at the top of my voice to myself. Life getting tugher. I’m getting weaker. How to cope then? Time just flies through fingers tip, never let you catch it. Thus i need to keep on cashing from behind to match the step.

I felt sorry to my dear blog, so called my home. Had been a long time i never return. One of the reason is, network just can’t collaborate with me. Network can’t let me go through whenever i wanna to be back here. Sometimes, it jam.

Today i found one excuse for myself to return here. I knew nobody will bother whether i wanna be back or decide to leave for ever. But i know my blog needs me. hehe…..

Saturday was given to JL once again. This Saturday spend a little long with her, from 8am til 6pm. So many things pour in by her. Sophiscated. She made an offer this Saturday for the second time. This time the amount was smaller sum than the first time as the Q is not lenghty like the first time.

Times up. A guy shout out the figure. She, JL said the figure is close to the actual one. Look at the figure i had. I tell myself, my figure sure will be far beyond the actual one. I never bother to try my luck.

She looked at me and asked what figure i obtain. I’m so nervous. Should i tell her the figure i get? I ponder. I’m too afraid for her to scream at me. She eventually gave me a bigger shock by saying she will be the happiest woman for that night.

Huh? My figure conform with the actual one? I still doubted. I can’t forget the moment she passed the ‘red colour note’ to me….I’m felt little joy but guilty at the same time. haha…. My friend did contribute la.

Anyway, i felt worth it to spend some time to jot it here. I’m against freedom afterall. Ok, bye. gtg

This is the day where certain people waited, either want or don’t want. This is the moment filled with solemn or shriek of joy. Tears of joy or tears of sadness will drop.

Thanks god for hearing my cried and His kindness to grant me what i asked for. It wasn’t something excellent and outstanding, but he had gave me more than minimum requirement.

Relief. Not feeling extremely excited. Just normal.

Anyway, passed had enough.

Just look up. Sky still bright and wide even it had been polluted. Remove your sight, the sea still keep a portion in blue regardless how much of toxic had been pour in. Look, hill is still there with the unique valley despite the heavy landslide here and there. The world is beautiful and can be more beutiful than what we had or what is given to us. Pathetic that we as a smart human had act too smart until everything had been destroyed. Yet, we blame others, we blame the God.

I still believe the world is beauty even some many ”ugly” news were being reported around me. But how long will my faith last? I know i have to accept that the world had become so awesome after what happen yesterday night. It transmit a horror image in my mind. World no longer beautiful. It taught me to become more timid and sooner lead me to mental disorder.

We walked on the busy street. Pasar malam. It was little crowded today. We stopped at the stall which sell bread. While dad is paying, i turn and look around. The begger who sat on the middle of the road really draw my attention. Last time i will easily pity them because of their imperfection. But nowadays, i wouldn’t, as i knew it had become a bad habit for them. But this begger doesn’t look like handicape and i suppose he just act like ”bodoh bodoh” to get sympathise. I saw him creep away after get no respond. I think the main reason he draw my attention is because his physical appearance.

We just ignore him and walk away. You may claim i’m cruel. Yes, i have to. If everytime you spend money on them, you will just cause more and more begger on the street. Your symphatise will make them rich and gain nothing.

We continue. After one stall, visit another stall to get some stuff. When we were on the way back, dad realised something was lost. Being rob again? Yea, it is. We still get back by keeping a hope that it wasn’t being stolen, but just careless by dropped it in some where. The hope was actually dim, we knew. Dad seek help from one of the hawker, to call to his phone. As we guess, the phone had been switched off.

When dad tried to call again from home, the phone is on. But after few second, the call being rejected. Dad is pretty suspicious the begger. hehe……

I laid on bed. Try to think how horror the world had become. Dad is guy, and they dare to steal. How scary the society is. A girl like me become more timid. Not safety, and is UGLY. =(

When bro is staying in Kelantan, i’ll received his msg occasionally. Not a greeting msg, but a msg content few malay words waiting to be translate. Yesterday, he called me just to get some confirmation for few malay words again.

That wasn’t a main reason for me to show off here. When i get to answer him without refer to dictionary, i felt proud of myself. I always felt my malay (speaking and vocab) just gone in the air after i step out from secondary school. But by the time i able to answer him, it prove my malay still haven totally faded off.

Past few weeks, i followed dad to pasar malam. We came to one stall selling freshener. Dad let me to decide which flavour i want. I picked up one and asked the seller whether the thing will irritate my nose in malay because he is Malay. Then he like surprised by the word i used in questioning him. hehe…

I think i should tell my bro stop comment me whenever they saw me watching mlay movie. wakaka.

Sweat. Not enough. Must sweat more! Make sure i sweat now before too late. Yesterday night i thought i had let myself sweat for the minimum level so that today i won’t sweat. But today i did sweat. The guy sat beside me was a little genius. When i sweat for time constraint, i can feel that he is relaxing there. I suppose he had done everything when i’m still sweating. In such a rush hours, brain really have to function to maximum level.

After this still have two more battle field awaiting. Fear conquer me. How to manage two papers in these few days. Will the other two lec like Jlow (scream at you if you can’t do it well)?

Sooner i discovered something. Acc that i learn in Form 4&5 wasn’t sufficient to let me stand. If you choose to live with acc merely because you fall in love with Form 4&5 acc, please think twice or more before you step in. Acc is not something just involve calculation nor book keeping like what you learn in Form 4&5. It can goes so much further beyond that.

If you just have passion towards acc, it is not enough. You need to have endurance and determination too.

If the reason to let you fall in love with acc is due to what you learn in Form 4&5, better find more genuine reasonS to let you fall in love with it.

If you just prone to calculation, please make sure you can be 35% good to become lawyer.

If you think acc is something which play with concept and don’t need to torture your brain to squish out anything, then you should know that it did. Your brain won’t be ease as it always have to grind out new, fresh and also impressive sentences or idea.

If you read on this, and feel that i’m exaggerate or intimidate you, i’m not as i did not have any bad intention here. I’m not smart, not inteligent. Thus, i came out with this kind of point of view.